How do I respond to my child during a meltdown?
When supporting a child’s regulation, the approach of:
Be firm
Be kind
Collaborate
Helps maintain safety while protecting the relationship. Together, these steps ensure that limits are held, emotions are supported, and learning happens without shame or fear.
This framework recognises that when a child is dysregulated, their behaviour is driven by survival, not choice, and they need containment before connection and teaching.
Firmness comes first because safety matters. This is where you clearly and calmly stop the behaviour without anger or punishment. If the child is hitting, you might gently but confidently block their hands and say, “we do not hit.”
“We” affirms that the boundary applies to both ‘me & you’ showing the child that you respect the same rules as them. It becomes a shared expectation instead of a demand or reprimand. This prevents them from feeling isolated in that moment.
Your tone is steady and grounded, not loud or threatening. Firmness tells the child’s nervous system that an adult can take charge and that they do not have to manage their big emotions or this moment alone.
Once safety is established, lead with kindness and compassion. Use a gentle tone and identify that you can relate to them because without communicating that you understand, the child will not feel heard. This is where you soften your voice, stay close, and acknowledge what is happening inside them.
You might say, “You look angry, I would be too”, “This feels really big right now, but you are safe” or “This is hard and I’m here with you.” Kindness helps the child’s body settle and signals that they are not in trouble, they are supported.
This is where regulation begins to return.
Kindness doesn’t mean ignoring limits or letting unsafe behaviour continue - it works alongside firmness to calm the nervous system, showing the child that boundaries and care can and must coexist.
Over time, this builds trust, safety, and a foundation for learning healthier ways to respond.
Children need boundaries as it shows them they are important enough to be kept safe. Without the sense of containment, the world feels scary and they feel alone, overwhelmed, and responsible for managing things that are too big for them to handle by themselves.
The Collaboration step reinforces the child’s sense of contribution while supporting their skill-building. This step shows them that they have a say in their own regulation outcomes and coping strategies. They are the experts in what helps them feel better, so without their input - we simply cannot support their ability to grow internal self-regulation.
You are guiding them to see alternatives to hitting or other unsafe behaviours, without shaming or lecturing, guilt or embarrassment. It also strengthens the child’s ability to identify emotions, choose coping strategies, and feel ownership over their regulation. Aside from those skills, it also strengthens your relationship with them.
Collaboration means offering a solution, redirection or plan to connect. For example:
“Let’s go have a drink of water”
or
“Let’s do this instead”
This language shows teamwork,while role modeling coping strategies and redirection, where they feel connected with you - their trusted safe person. This step must start with ‘Let’s’. Their regulation must happen with you, consistently, before it can happen on it’s own.
The collaboration step is not about handing responsibility to the child or expecting them to manage their big feelings on their own. It is about the parent and child working together with those feelings. In this stage, the adult remains in charge of regulation while inviting the child into a shared process of understanding and problem-solving the feelings.
This step works best when repeated consistently: children internalize the skills not just from instruction, but from practicing them safely with a supportive adult. When collaboration follows firmness and kindness, the child sees that emotions can be big but manageable, limits are predictable and solutions are attainable. Children are not meant to know how to manage big emotions yet, it is still part of their development.
You don’t rebuild the roof while the house is on fire.
Skills aren’t taught during a meltdown.
They’re built after returning to regulation, through repetition and support.
This sequence matters.
Firm without kind feels scary.
Kind without firm feels unsafe.
Regulation without Collaboration with the child impossible.
So, to recap:
Be firm
Be kind
Collaborate
When these three steps are repeated over time, the child learns that big feelings are manageable, support is available, and safer ways of expressing themselves are possible.
“You don’t teach children self-regulation.
You gift them the experience of have been regulated from the outside by their safe person - you.
This supports their natural development - helping them move towards growing a brain that is capable of internal self-regulation.”
-Dr Vanessa Lapointe
This resource is informed by the complementary approaches of both Dr. Vanessa Lapointe and Dr. Ross Greene, both who emphasize relationship-based, developmentally appropriate, and neurobiologically informed care. Dr. Lapointe’s work highlights the importance of adult leadership, emotional safety, and co-regulation in supporting children’s behavior and mental health, while Dr. Greene’s Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) framework focuses on understanding the skills a child is still developing and addressing unmet needs through collaboration rather than punishment. Together, these perspectives ground this resource in the understanding that challenging behaviors are expressions of stress or lagging skills, and that effective support prioritizes connection, empathy, and problem-solving over compliance.
By Tracey-Leigh Edwards
Occupational Therapist
